How to write a condolence message

Most people send nothing, and it is almost always for the same reason: they cannot think of anything adequate, so they wait, and then it feels too late.

Nothing you write will be adequate. That is not the standard. The standard is that the person knows you thought of them, and a short imperfect message meets it completely. Silence is the only real failure, and the bereaved notice it.

The four parts

1. Say it plainly. "I was so sorry to hear about your father." Use the word died if that is natural to you; "passed" is fine too. Do not manage the sentence around the fact.
2. Say something specific about them, if you knew them. One memory, one quality, one line they used to say. This is the part that gets reread.
3. Say something about the person you are writing to. That you are thinking of them. That you are sorry.
4. Offer something real, or offer nothing. "Let me know if you need anything" places the work on them and is almost never taken up. "I'll call on Sunday — don't feel you have to pick up" or "I'm dropping food round Thursday, I won't stay" is a real offer.

Four sentences is a good message. Two is fine.

Dear Ifeoma,

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I was so sorry to hear about your mother. I only met her twice, but I have never forgotten that she asked me three questions about my work and remembered the answers a year later.

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I am thinking of you and Chuka. I will ring on Sunday evening — please do not feel you have to answer.

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With love, Ada

What not to say

Almost every well-meant condolence cliché works by explaining the death, and explanation is the last thing a grieving person needs.

• "She's in a better place" / "He's at peace now" — unless you are certain they share that belief, and even then, be careful.
• "Everything happens for a reason."
• "At least he had a long life" / "at least it was quick" — any sentence beginning "at least" diminishes the loss.
• "I know exactly how you feel." You do not, and it turns the message towards you.
• "Time heals."
• "Be strong" or "stay strong" — this asks them to perform for your comfort.
• A long account of your own bereavement. A brief mention that you have been through something similar is fine; a paragraph is not.

If you did not know the person who died, say so simply and write about the person you are writing to.

Practicalities

Handwritten card if you can. It gets kept. Email or message is much better than nothing and is right when you need to be quick or you are far away. A text is fine for a close friend.

Send it when you hear. Do not wait for the right words.

Send it late if you missed it. Weeks or months later, write anyway: "I have been meaning to write since I heard about your brother." Later messages often land better than the first wave, because they arrive when everyone else has moved on and the person has not.

Say the dead person's name. People are frightened of upsetting the bereaved by mentioning them, so they stop — and the silence is often worse than the grief. Using their name is a gift.

Mark the anniversary if you are close. A message a year later, remembering, is remembered.

At work

Keep it short, warm and human, and do not use it to discuss workload. "I was very sorry to hear about your mother. Please take whatever time you need — everything here is covered." Then actually cover it. If you are the manager, put the practical details in a separate message a few days later.

Common mistakes

Sending nothing because you cannot find the right words. Explaining the death. Making it about your own loss. Advising them on grief. Asking how they died. Promising to visit and not visiting. Dropping contact after the funeral, which is when most support disappears and the hardest part begins.